


Hatter and Hare Top 5 Gay Moments!! [NOT CLICKBAIT!!!]

by shella688



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Edging Into Romcom Territory, Enemies to Lovers, Getting Together, He/they Hatter and Hare, It's not a slow burn because it's only 1 chapter but like. It COULD be a slow burn, M/M, The Inherant Romanticism of Knowing Your Love's Tea Order, also the Lance-Corporal/Private is heavily inspired by georgie woodenovercoats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:21:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25915795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shella688/pseuds/shella688
Summary: Majors Hatter and Hare grinned at each other as they shook hands.Then, all of a sudden, the grins faltered slightly as a realisation went through both their heads.Oh no, the realisation went.He's cute.
Relationships: Hatter (The Mechanisms)/Hare (The Mechanisms)
Comments: 41
Kudos: 81





	Hatter and Hare Top 5 Gay Moments!! [NOT CLICKBAIT!!!]

**Author's Note:**

> ...yes I really did write fic about two characters who show up for all of about 3 minutes

#  I - Strange Meeting

It was a war fought on a tiny planet in the back end of nowhere, no new orders had come from High Command for a few days now and the worst part was, thought Hatter glumly, the  _ worst  _ part was that the handle of their last remaining teacup had just snapped off.

“Major Hatter?” asked a Private sitting to his left.

Hatter frowned.

“Aren’t I a General?”

“Couldn’t say for certain sir!”

The Private poked the broken cup, like she was hoping it might magically fix itself.

It did not.

“What do we do sir?”

Hatter looked over to The Other Side, as they were always called by His Side, as they called themselves. The Other Side seemed to be having a lark, talking merrily and drinking tea from their intact teacups.

“Private?” he asked the Private sitting to his left.

“Aren’t I a Lance-Corporal?”

“Don’t give me that!” Hatter huffed. All of a sudden he stood up, gesturing to The Other Side with a dramatic sweep of his hand.

“I think it’s time for a talk with The Others…”

  
  
*  
  
  
  


No new orders had come from Head Office for a few days now, the whole army was stuck on this tiny, nameless planet and the worst part was, thought Hare unhappily, the  _ worst  _ part was that their teapot had gone and gotten smashed.

“Major Hare?” asked the Lance-Corporal sitting to his right.

Hare blinked.

“Aren’t I a General?”

“Couldn’t say for certain sir!”

The Lance-Corporal looked in her cup, which contained the last dregs of tea that had been poured out before the teapot broke, just in case any more materialised.

It did not.

“What are we going to do now, sir?”

Hare gazed over to The Other Side, as they were always called by His Side, as they called themselves. They looked to be having fun, talking cheerfully and passing around their intact teapot.

“Lance-Corporal?” he asked the Lance-Corporal sitting to his right.

“Aren’t I a Private?”

“Don’t do that!” Hare despaired. Then, all of a sudden, he jumped up to stand on his chair, pointing dramatically to The Other Side.

“I think it’s time for a talk with The Others…”

  
  
*  
  


Major Hatter picked his way through the barbed wire, bombshell craters, and discarded teabags littering No Man’s Land. He hadn’t brought backup with him - he’d figured it would be safest to try and enter The Other Side’s camp as a lone missionary. They weren’t looking for a fight after all, just wondering if maybe His Side could temporarily borrow some teacups, if that wasn’t too much of a bother?

Besides - surely they’d understand! Tea was very important, even moreso now that His Side didn’t have any orders to carry out, and nothing else to do other than hold tea parties.

A sound.

Footsteps.

Hatter froze.

Had The Other Side sent a surprise attack? It didn’t seem their style, but you never knew with that monster King Cole’s troops. Unless it was His Side who fought for Cole, in which case you never knew with those Rebel scum.

More footsteps.

Getting closer?

Hatter gripped their gun. He really hoped it still worked - the last time he’d used it was whenever the last orders had come in.

“Who’s there?” he called. “I’m Major Hatter I’ll have you know!”

The footsteps stopped. There was a moment’s pause, then a soldier came slowly into Hatter’s view, hands up.

“Major Hare. Can we talk?”

  
  
*  
  


Hare lowered their hands. Their own gun was left in a nearby crater, they figured it would be safest to emerge unarmed. Besides - he wasn’t looking for a fight, just wondering if perhaps His Side could borrow a teapot if it’s all the same to you?

“What are you doing here?” asked Hare, then realised he wasn’t really in the position to be asking many questions.

Hatter frowned.

“I could ask you the same thing!”

He shook his head proudly.

“Besides! Only  _ The Other Side  _ would sink to such tactics. I was here to ask if, well…”

Hatter trailed off.

Hare agreed with the bit about The Other Side, at least. He didn’t quite understand why that meant Hatter would sound so pleased at that though - they were, after all, on The Other Side, and surely you’d show more loyalty to your own side?

Hatter didn’t look like he was about to say more, instead just shuffling awkwardly.

“What a coincidence!” Hare said, deciding to take some pressure off the poor soldier. “I was here to ask  _ you  _ something as well!”

“Oh yes?”

“Well…” Hare trailed off. Why was he suddenly so awkward around this good lo- this perfectly regular soldier thank you very much.

“Well… our teapot smashed. We were wondering if you had a spare one we could borrow? Only until the fighting starts again, of course!”

“How coincidental!” said Hatter. “Our last teacups just broke, and  _ we  _ were wondering if you had any spares? We'll let you borrow the teapot of course!"

"And of course  _ you  _ can borrow some teacups!"

They both grinned, then took each other's hand and shook vigorously. They looked at each other, properly looked, in the way you can't if you've only ever seen someone on the other side of a battlefield - then their smiles faltered, only slightly.

Because there was a sudden realisation going through both their heads.

_ Oh no,  _ the realisation went.

_ He's cute. _

* * *

#  II - Disasters The Both Of Them

They swapped the teapot for some teacups happily enough, and the two went back to their own armies with tales about the time they met a tall, dark, rugged soldier from The Other Side.

And, for a while, it worked. Nothing from High Command or Head Office, so naturally the only thing the two armies could do was carry on having tea parties.

But then Hatter's last saucer snapped, and Hare's butter dish broke, and they both found themselves venturing back out into No Man's Land.

"Hello?" Hare called out, prepared and armed this time with a gun. "Is someone from The Other Side there?"

"Hello?" replied a voice. "Aren't  _ you  _ from The Other Side?"

There was a pause.

"Is that you, Hatter?"

"It's me! Is that you Hare?"

"It is!"

Hare looked around in earnest for Hatter's voice and, more specifically, Hatter himself. Then they stopped, took a breath, and tried to look around more calmly.

Hatter came bounding out of the barbed wire. When he saw Hare, they stopped, took a breath, and waved at him cheerfully from a safe distance.

Hare waved back, but couldn't help the feeling of doubt creeping up on him. Did Hatter not want to get closer? Hare wanted nothing more than to close the gap and-  **_stop_ ** _ thinking that, he's on The Other Side. _

Had that handshake been too forward of them- was Hatter already regretting fraternising with His Side? Had he ruined what relationship- no, absolutely  _ not  _ a relationship, Hatter was on The Other Side!- what um- oh fuck what else could they call it?

_ Had Hare ruined it? _

  
*  
  


Hatter watched Hare wave back cheerfully, but couldn't help the feeling of despair running at them full force. A wave?  _ Really? _ He really was an idiot. 

Hatter wanted nothing more than to run over and ki- no, absolutely  _ not,  _ Hare was on The Other Side!- he wanted nothing more than to run over and hug?, no that was still too much- he wanted nothing more than to run over and repeat the handshake.

But what if that handshake had been too forward of him? Was Hare already disgusted at fraternising with His Side? 

_ Had Hatter ruined it? _

He put on his best "oh don't worry about me!" smile. When they spoke, their words fell over themselves in their nervous haste to come out.

"Hare! Pleas- nice t- I um- we meet again!"

Hare's response was slow. Oh no- was Hatter boring them? Were they fighting to remain civil despite wanting nothing more than to close the gap and fight?

"Hatter! We do meet again, yes, again, meeting. Would it be too much bother to ask if, maybe, only if you were okay with it, of course, could we borrow a butter dish?"

Hatter let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding.

"Of course! And might we- I be- might we be able to borrow a couple of saucers?"

  
*  
  


The nerves that Hare hadn't even been aware of calmed down.

"Of course! Not a problem, no, at all. What if y-"

Oh.

_ Oh. _

That was a bad idea that had just popped into their head.

An incredibly bad idea. 

An incredibly bad, incredibly  _ tempting,  _ idea.

Ok- ok deep breath Hare. No big deal. Just ask normally. You've got this. Don't come on too strong…

"Come home with me," they blurted out, at the exact same time Hatter said: 

"Come back to mine."

They both stopped, looking at each other in surprise and happi-  _ he's on The Other Side you fool! He's just being polite! _

Hare tried to remain calm, but then he saw Hatter failing at holding in his grin and he couldn't help it - he gave a wide smile in return and now they were both laughing, with surprise, yes, and with delight, and relief.

And even though everybody knew The Other Side were bloodthirsty monsters, Hare thought Hatter's laugh was the most beautiful sound he'd heard.

* * *

  
  


#  III - What's This? A Braincell?

In the end, things didn't quite work out like they'd thought. After all - if Hatter and Hare had  _ both _ gone to The Other Side's camp then they would have been alone in enemy territory, and if they kept swapping camps someone might think they were enemy spies.

The logical next step was to meet in the middle, but a No Man's Land full of barbed wire and impact craters and old tea bags was no place for a tea party. The logical next  _ next  _ step was to clean it up, both sides working together to shift the debris, to drag over and put the tables together into one big table, and set up what was quite a nice area to sit and drink tea in, all things considered.

The two sides sat at separate ends, of course. What else would they do?

  
  
  
*  
  
  


Hatter was sitting at the very head of the long table, gazing over at Hare, who was sat at the very foot. Their soldiers were sitting around them, and there was a large section of empty space where no-one ventured except to negotiate the exchange of cutlery, or tea.

Sometimes, Hatter imagined them all spreading across the full length of the table, and maybe ending up sat next to H-

"Major Hatter?" prompted the Private sat to his right.

Hatter startled to awareness. By the sounds of it, she'd said their name a few times before it had processed.

"I wasn't daydreaming."

"Yessir."

"Just considering the plan of action now that The Others are in such close proximity."

"Yessir."

"What were you saying?"

"Yessi- The Other Side were asking if the milk could be passed down their way sir!”

Hatter picked up the milk jug, standing up as he did so.

“I best be off then! Don’t give me that look Private.”

“I’m a Lance-Corporal sir,” she said reproachfully. “Anyway, you shouldn’t go on your own. What if something happens?"

The two of them looked down the table. The nefarious Other Side were drinking tea nefariously, from their nefarious tea sets. Well-  _ partly  _ from their nefarious tea sets. Things had been shared and swapped around so much it was hard to tell whose was whose.

Probably a nefarious plan on their part.

Hare though…

Hare wasn’t doing  _ anything  _ nefariously. They were talking to a soldier at their side, long, elegant fingers tapping on the table. Hatter wondered what he was saying. He wished he was close enough to hear. Close enough to hold h-

Hare looked up.

Their eyes locked.

Hare did a little wave.

Hatter tried to remember how to breath.

“Thank you Lance-Corporal-”

“Private,” interrupted the Private.

“ _ Thank you _ but I really must go deliver this milk.”

Hatter pushed past the Private, making his way down the table. Past the end of his forces, into the empty space between the two sides, and then, all of a sudden, he was in enemy territory.

They grinned nervously at the soldiers surrounding them on all sides. 

“Milk?”

“You’re on The Other Side,” pointed out a Lance-Corporal.

“I’m delivering milk?” he replied, phrasing it more like a question.

She frowned.

“Why not meet in the middle like usual? Also I’m a Private.”

Hatter paused, studying the Lance-Corporal. Something about her seemed oddly familiar...

"What are you doing over this side Private?"

The Lance-Corporal narrowed her eyes at them.

"Are you suggesting, sir, that I work for The Other Side?"

"Of course not!" Hatter protested.

"Anyway I'm a Lance-Corporal over here."

"Didn't you just call yourself a Private?"

“She's a Lance-Corporal,” said Hare.

_ Hare. _

Hare was standing right in front of them.

“Oh! You brought the milk!”

Hare moved to take it from them, except they didn’t quite let go of the jug in time and then his hand was on top on theirs and oh god-

Hatter could feel his face burn.

“Hare I-”

“Hatter-”

Hatter let go hastily.

“Your milk!”

He spun around to return to safety, but adrenaline was running through his veins and he still remembered the warmth of Hare’s hand on his and said, even as he was backing away:

“I’ll see you again soon?”

Hare tried to respond, but Hatter was gone, nearly breaking into a run as he got closer to His Side.

“You two”, said the Lance-Corporal, or occasionally the Private, “have  _ got  _ to get it together.”

  
*  
  
  


And if Hatter swapped seats with a Lieutenant when he got back, so he was seated slightly closer along the table to The Other Side, well, what of it? 

And if, after noticing they still had The Other Side’s bread knife, Hare hurriedly reassured the Lance-Corporal sitting to their left that  _ no, don’t worry, I can go over alone,  _ well, what of it?

And if, over the course of a few weeks, as the two sides gradually got used to the whole state of affairs, spreading themselves further along the table, taking up more space,  _ if  _ Hatter and Hare both thought to themselves that this new development wasn’t too bad, really, well, what of it?

And if, one day, Hatter and Hare found themselves only separated by the one seat, well...

“Private?” Hare whispered to the Lance-Corporal sitting to his left. “Can we swap seats?”

This was his chance, he figured. Maybe he would ruin everything between them, but he had to say  _ something _ about the way talking to Hatter made him nervous and giddy at the same time, about the way just watching Hatter be happy made  _ him  _ happy too, about-

The Lance-Corporal gave him a look.

“Are you planning on fraternising with the enemy, sir?"

"What makes you say that?”

She sighed, then turned to Hatter, who was sitting to  _ her  _ left.

“General Hatter?”

Hatter did his best impression of someone who hadn’t just been straining to catch every one of Hare’s words.

“Did I just hear you fraternising with The Other Side, Private? And you  _ know  _ I’m a Major.”

“Wouldn’t want to comment sir!” She dropped her voice lower. “The Other Side’s Major wants to talk to you.”

“Hare wants to talk to me?” Hatter said loudly, immediately realising his mistake. “What did they say?” he continued, quieter.

“I did just tell you that sir.”

“Well swap seats with me, quickly!”

“Major Hare already asked me to swap with him.”

“Stop fraternising with the enemy, Private!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it sir!”

She turned back to Hare.

“Major Hatter agreed to your terms, sir.”

Hare tried to act casual, failing impressively.

“What did he say? Every word of it, Lance-Corporal.”

She sighed heavily, not for the last time.

“I  _ did  _ just tell you that sir. Swap seats?”

He nodded eagerly and the two of them managed, in his opinion, to swap seats with hardly any awkward fumbling. He didn’t, of course, ask the Lance-Corporal for her opinion on how it went.

And then all of a sudden Hare was sitting next to Hatter. 

They could feel how close he was, how their breathing had hitched slightly as they sat down, how their arm had brushed his when they’d reached for the butter.

Could Hatter tell? Were they making things awkward again? What if Hatter had just agreed to be polite, and only tolerated them at best? Maybe Hare should just swap back and not try speak to him again-

“Hare can I, possibly, if you wouldn’t mind, talk to you?”

Hare squeaked.

“Yes- I mean- of course!”

He took a moment to gather his thoughts, starting to tap quickly on the table. Hare started at his hands, mesmerised.

“I know we’re on opposite sides, and that we’re fighting tomorrow, of course. But-” 

They focused firmly on the table, not looking at Hare. 

“Your smile makes the day seem brighter and your voice, I could listen to you talk for hours and, oh I’m rambling, I’m sorry...”

Hare stopped his leg’s rapid bouncing for long enough to shuffle his chair closer, so their shoulders were properly touching.

“Would you believe me if I said I’d moved to say the exact same to you?”   
  


Hatter blinked, then laughed, wrapping their hand around Hare’s.

“We’re idiots, aren’t we?”

Hare laughed too, then leaned into Hatter’s body, resting his head there.

“Perhaps.”

They both deliberately ignored the quiet cheers coming from the Private sitting to both their rights.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


#  IV - Best Read After Listening To That Bit Of Alice

Hatter and Hare watched Alice go.

“There she goes! Funny one, wasn’t she?” Hatter said, to their surroundings in general.

“Probably an enemy spy.”

Hare took a long sip of tea, then frowned at his cup.

“Oh… All this talking made my tea go cold.”

“I’ll get you another one dear.”

Hatter took the cup and stood up, pressing a kiss into Hare’s head as he did so.

“But you said lapsang souchong was a disgrace to the name of teas!”

“I may have reconsidered my stance after learning it’s your favourite.”

Hare smiled softly as Hatter wandered off to find more tea. God- they loved him.

“Colonel Hare?” asked a voice right behind him.

He jumped.

“Lance-Corporal! Don’t  _ do  _ that! What if I’d been holding some tea, and it had spilt?”

The Private shrugged.

“You weren’t though. Anyway, are you going to talk to him?”

“About tea? Did you know their favourite kind is Earl Grey, and he’ll have it with a rich tea biscuit but only if there are no digestives left?”

“You might have brought that up before, yes.”

“Yes  _ sir. _ ”

“What I was meaning,  _ sir,  _ is are you going to talk to them about what you both said to Alice? About-” she looked around, checking no other soldiers were listening in. “About fighting tomorrow? I know you’ve been saying it for ages, but is it true?”

Hare paused.

“We’ll talk,” he said, at last.

“I don’t want to fight tomorrow, sir,” the Private said, almost to herself.

Hare looked over to where Hatter was negotiating the temporary release of the tea strainer, which His Side had captured a few days back.

“No… no me neither.”

  
*  
  


“More tea!”

“Thank you dear.”

Hare took a deep breath. He was glad Hatter hadn't sat down yet. It meant he didn't have to look them in the eye. “Did you mean what you said to Alice? Do you really think we should be fighting tomorrow?”

“Of course. You’re on The Other Side, and at least  _ one  _ of us is fighting for King Cole, so we cant simply carry on like this forever. We've been drinking tea today, but we  _ have  _ to fight tomorrow."

Hatter sounded unconvinced even by his own words.

"You don't really believe that."

Hatter paused.

"I suppose not."

He wrapped Hare in a hug from behind, his head resting on top of Hare's.

"But what else is there for us?"

There was something though, thought Hare. Something he hadn't said before, in case reality took notice of the little tea party at the end of the universe and tore down the peace they'd spent so long creating.

"We can keep living in today, Hatter. A whole life's worth of todays, and we take them as we come."

Hatter began to speak, but Hare gently shushed him.

"Please, love, hear me out. Think about all the todays we've lived together. Think about all the todays we can  _ still  _ live. And then, at the end, when we're done, we can let tomorrow come."

Hare closed his eyes, leaning into Hatter's body.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," Hatter replied. "I love you and I love every today we have together. And when-  _ if  _ tomorrow comes, I'll love you then too."

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


#  V - Fellas, Is It Gay To Dream About Travelling The Stars With The Person You Love

The sky was littered with stars. Hatter traced paths between them with one arm as he laid there, head in Hare's lap.

"And  _ that _ ," they said, "is the famous Caucus Star. They say the planets chase each other round and round in orbit like a race."

"They do, do they?"

"Well, they might!" Hatter huffed indignantly. "Anyway, I'd take you there, and introduce you to the birds who all live there-"

"Birds?"

Hatter put on his best mock-offended tone of voice.

"Stop interrupting - I thought you loved me!" 

"I do love you dear, please do carry on. Sentient birds, you were saying?"

" _ First  _ I'd apologise to the birds for how rude you were to them. Then we'd get taken to the Dodo - they're the ruler of all the planets around Caucus you know - and  _ they'd  _ say-"

"Who are you to travel the stars with The Other Side?" interrupted Hare again, voice deepened as he settled into the role of the Dodo tyrant. 

"Who are you to think you can walk this road hand in hand?"

"Yes, thank you Hare-"

"Lord Dodo."

" _ Thank you _ , Lord Dodo." Hatter did air quotes around that last part. "And do you know what I'd say?"

Hare did. Hatter had many versions of this story, inventing more and more fantastical planets and people. Every one of them ended the same way.

"I'd look Dodo in the eye and say 'there is no Other Side. Just us. Just Our Side.'"

"Just Our Side," Hare repeated quietly, leaning down to kiss Hatter. "Just Our Side."

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr! [regicidal-defenestration](https://regicidal-defenestration.tumblr.com/)


End file.
